NEURODIVERSITY ESSAY

Neurodiversity is a term that was coined in 1998, by Sociologist Judy Singer.  She used the term in her sociology honors thesis, as a way to explain that biology was the root cause of autism, not poor parenting, as had once been thought. Neurodiversity also includes other disorders, such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), Tourette syndrome, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder.  To me, neurodiversity means feeling so different from others that I sometimes feel like I’m on a different planet, where everybody knows the language and customs, and they seem to have a secret code that I struggle to decipher.

From as early as I can remember, I felt misunderstood, like I didn’t really fit in anywhere.  I had a hard time making friends because I did not know how to break into a conversation or invite myself into an activity. 

When I succeeded at making friends, I frequently misinterpreted the closeness of a friendship.  My neighbor Holly and I played together often, at least through kindergarten.  Then we both met Jane and I thought I was friends with both of them.  But I remember them asking me not to listen to their conversations when I sat behind them on the bus.

I also tried too hard, and never understood why that drove people away.  In either fifth or sixth grade, a new girl, Helen arrived at school.  I wanted to have a best friend, so I was almost constantly trying to hang out with her.  Another classmate, Anna, even called us “stuck together friends,” until a few days later Anna told me Helen said I was bothering her.

Another issue I had with friendships, especially in college, were enmeshed, overly intense friendships. I met Rebecca early in freshman year.  Not before long, we were spending hours together, just the two of us, almost every day.  Even before that school year was over, our friendship began to suffer because we spent so much time together. 

Also in college, I was constantly looking for a larger group of people to hang out with, or at the very least, have people to meet at the dining hall.  One challenge in finding a group, even a small one, was that sometimes somebody didn’t like me, such as a friend of my roommate. I never understood why.

Another challenge with finding a group was that at larger social gatherings, I often felt overwhelmed by the number of people.  I didn’t know how to work the room, so I waited for people to come to me.  

Lack of social cognition also interferes with learning the “unwritten rules” of a job. Around 2005, when my son was just about two years old, I started working at a small library which needed a part-time evening circulation desk clerk.  Although I had my master’s in library science, I just needed to get back into library work.  I tended to say what came to my mind without giving it much thought, including telling my colleagues my salary.  I realized later that was a mistake, and that I was getting paid more because of my master’s degree.  

I also struggled with other people’s perspectives and needs.  I was asked to cover for a colleague so she could go to a first aid class at the library on the evening she worked.  At first, I was unable to do so because I didn’t have childcare.  Then my husband lost his job, and, instead of covering for that colleague, I went to the first aid class.  I didn’t realize what I had done until I saw the look on her face.  That library turned out to not be the best fit for me.  

I moved on to a branch of the Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh. There were social issues there as well.  I have vague memories of telling many customers that I live in Mt. Lebanon, and that I have an autistic child.  In hindsight, I know that most customers did not need to know those facts.

I tend to jump into conversations without giving a thought to the fact that somebody else wanted to talk.  That especially bothered one colleague, who at one point called me out on it and I got pretty upset.

To this day, I sometimes feel isolated, especially at work. Until recently, I didn’t have a close friend at work. I know that I tend to be more serious and harder working than some of my co-workers.  Also, they often talk about something I can’t relate to like music stars and other celebrities.  

I also have always felt misunderstood and undervalued in my family.  My parents simply thought I was a complainer, even calling me a “fussbudget,” which was a self-fulfilling prophecy.  My dad sometimes told me I needed to understand my effect on people, which I didn't.  He also sometimes told me to “stop chattering,” when in my mind I wasn’t rambling, just trying to share things with him.

Also, in my family I thought my older brother was the favorite, especially to my parents.  To encourage him to get better grades, he would get a certain amount of money for every A and slightly less for every B.  Meanwhile, I worked very hard for good grades, and it was just expected of me.

My being neurodiverse is not all negative, however.  Autistic people tend to have a slower processing speed.  At the library I work in, that is an advantage when checking in items.

Monday through Friday, we receive multiple bins of items coming from all over the county.  Some are being returned to their home location, and others are items that our customers have requested.  The items that belong to us get separated by children’s and adult items.  We sort them onto multiple book carts in a very specific way, with separate carts for returns and items on hold.  It is important to sort these items accurately.  The more mistakes we make, the more items we will eventually have to put on a different cart.  When checking all items into our circulation system, we must look at the screen carefully when scanning every item.  We all make the most mistakes when we rush through the task. 

Some autistic people have a very systematic brain.  Related to the above, I arrange each cart I am working on so that the books start out spine up.  I check in each item, write the date it will be pulled from the hold shelf, and then turn it spine down.  We are all supposed to follow the spine up, then spine down system for book drop carts in case we get interrupted.  I follow the same system for every cart I work on.

Systemizing is also a strength when shelving nonfiction books in the library, which gets very specific, especially in large sections such as children’s zoology.  The call numbers can be long and quite similar to each other.  I found a pattern in non-fiction which only some people notice.  Books on a very specific topic, such as elephants, will all start the same way (QL 737 .P98; zoology- mammals-  pachyderms), and then are alphabetical by author, so I don’t have the read the detailed numbers beyond that (such as R437 for the author Redmond).   

Also in the children’s department, our world language and holiday sections have multiple subdivisions.  We have at least a dozen different languages, and each section is broken down by fiction and non-fiction.  It is the same for the holidays, which includes religious holidays celebrated by the larger world religions, as well as every federal holiday in the United States, and fun holidays such as Groundhog Day and April Fool’s Day.  While some people find shelving those sections to be too much work, I enjoy the challenge.

Another common strength among autistic people is seeing details that others miss.  For example, when we generate a list on the computer of items going to customers, it prints to label sheets, 8 items per a standard 8 ½ by 11 sheets.  Sometimes hyphenated names are cut off, so that only the second part of the name shows up.  Vasquez-Lee shows up as Lee.  But when we check in items that don’t have that label, we print from a receipt printer, and the whole name shows up.  I am one of the few people who pays that close attention to detail and prints a new slip.

What I’d like people to understand about neurodiversity is that every day can be very difficult because of the social challenges I mentioned.  However, I can also celebrate the positive aspects by continually reminding myself of my strengths.